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As I Exist

It’s true. I can see and feel and hear how everything I say, do, don’t do, allow, don’t allow. Everything I mention. Question. Every ounce of energy that I emit is bathed in a coat of anger, resentment and pain.


Looking back now, I realize that no relationship has gifted me with the opportunity to know what it is to exist in a space where I am free, safe and loved enough to be able to emit an energy bathed any differently.


What do you suppose it would be like to stay and be in a loving space where your energy wasn’t blocked with things like betrayal? Emotional abuse? Deception? Abandonment?


What color would my words be painted in then? What would my tone sound like? Would I still tense up when your fingers brush my skin? Would the words that I feel the need to use when we get a moment to ourselves carry an entirely different vibration?


How would I see myself, laying next to you, when naked? Or clothed. Would I shine like the fire deep down that I am or would it be like what I’ve come to know, a dusty existence coated in gray with colors yearning to push through?


Why doesn’t anyone want to SEE me? The real me. The full me. Live, vibrant in vivacious color. Some don’t even give me a chance to show up while others more painfully tease me with the sweet taste of energetic freedom in love only to rip it away from me with their betrayal.


Whatever it is, to be her, to exist as her, I will not know now. Now is a time to discover what it feels to exist in the middle. Not layered with the dust of betrayal but not yet a woman of fire either. What is this in between? What will it feel like, especially in my soul?


Perhaps I am destined to become muted, dim and quiet after all.


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